I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
is it fun? or sober?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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