i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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