you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
