question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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