So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
