It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
