so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
