It's Friday. Sex?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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