at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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