Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
