I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
