just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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