tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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