she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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