nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
