Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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