he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
