Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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