i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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