you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
