I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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