Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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