giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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