After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
