I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
