NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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