how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i love accidental penises.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
