I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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