oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
