I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
