Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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