my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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