pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
