If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
