On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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