dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
