this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
