Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
