you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
