Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
