if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You may now shotgun with the bride
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
