Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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