But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize