I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
