If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
