at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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