So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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