Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize