I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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