im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
