woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This baby is an asshole
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
