Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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