we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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