Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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