batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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