This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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