Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
