I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
