In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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