all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
