Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
a search helicopter?!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
