this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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