I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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